• Lacey Psybyla

A Demon Named Addiction - Part One

Updated: Jun 23

*I need to take some more time before I am ready to talk about Thor. I wrote this a few years ago. This is my interpretation of what addiction is like:

 

Satan is sly. He doesn't like losing you. Scheming to get you back, the bastard unleashes temptations, begging you to stumble, waiting for you to fall.


He sends out a minion, a demon dressed like a girl. While it wrapped its ugly wings around you, your ability to say no became weak, confusion fuzzed your senses.


She was smiling at you, sitting in her costume, hiding who she really was. Her smirk drew you towards the darkness, while a glamour cast to scramble your senses lowered your inhibitions.


As the two of you made plans to score, she did an excellent job of distracting, so you didn't even notice the second demon wrapping chains around your ankles.





It was easy to lie after your personality split. Giant scissors snipping away at your character, allowing you to deceive us.


As the demon's repugnant breath formed a fog to cloud your morals, you knew that within the hour, you would be hunched over a piece of tinfoil, and taking a puff of that pipe. The evil spirit perched on your shoulder, using a wing to block out the angel. The demon whispered in your ear excuses that made it okay:


"You have been so strong for so long. You deserve this. You are tired of the temptation taunting you. Wouldn't it feel so good to fall back into that cloud of utopia again?
We don't have to be friends again, but let's hang out for a bit. What's the harm in getting together for the weekend? It's fun. You're in control of it. You can tell me to leave whenever you want. That's it, don't worry, there you go, inhale that smoke, remember that dragon? Ahhhh, what a friend. Relief, isn't it? So much satisfaction if you don't run out of this respite, so you can feel good again..... really good.

The demon pressed thoughts over your senses, massaged feelings deep into your brain

Don't worry, I'm coming with you. I'll be here for you. I'll make it possible for us to be together again.

And so, it began.

It doesn't matter

I know what you're doing.

It doesn't matter

There is always an excuse.

It doesn't matter

To you at all to tell me the truth.


That little savage on your shoulder tells you to intimidate, manipulate me: If you get mad and loud, maybe she'll back off. Here, let me help you look scary. There you go; I love when you make that face."

Addiction swoons, swings around your neck, gets behind you, blows hate and loathing through you:

"That's it, good, now tell her what a useless loser she is. How dare she? Who does she think she is anyway? She said she loved you. What a fucking joke. Love? Come on, she doesn't love you. Don't listen to what she says. You are doing well. You took a little time off; you didn't do as much. Why can't she just get off your back?

Tears are streaming down my face.


You don't hear what I'm saying. There are filthy fingers stuck in your ears. All you hear is the voice in your head. That degenerate troll filling you with hostility and resentment.


"Don't look at that face. Tell her to go away. You don't want to be around her. Why can't she just leave us alone? Why is she trying to follow you? That is so annoying. Ugh, she's messing things up, isn't she? Wouldn't it be great if we never had to look at that face again? That face is twisted and ugly, with black make-up smeared everywhere. Does she know how ridiculous she seems? Now her true colors are shining through, and it's disgusting, isn't it?"

It doesn't matter

If I ignore it or confront you. I am the one that aches, sleepless nights full of tears and fears.

"Oh my god, here we go again! She thinks we are hanging out again. That nosy bitch, she should stay out of our business."

The demon cackles above your head. I try to reason with you. Prove to you that I know

"Confuse her. Get mad again. She is getting under my skin, how about you? She cowers when you get mad. That will make her back down. There she goes again, claiming those tears are full of pain. No, they are empty, just like her threats of kicking you out. Hahaha, that was a fine one, wasn't it? She almost had you going there. Good thing I am here to show you how to manipulate the situation. Remember how we used to do that together all the time? Isn't it fun to see what you can get away with, how much power you have over someone?"


It doesn't matter

I am dying inside a little more each time I find out you betrayed my trust.

It doesn't matter

When I ask you to leave. You're not going to stay away, I don't want you to stay away. I just want you to come back alone, without your old friends. You can't trust them with your life, can you?

Dying inside? Oh please. Dramatic much. OK, let's go before it wears off. Quick, let's meet up with our friends."

It doesn't matter

When you come home late because you think I won't notice as you run to hide.


"Holy Fuck, is she ever going to stop? Doesn't she appreciate anything you do for her? How come she is always on your back anyway? She doesn't give you any credit for how hard you work. Tell her that! You are tired. Fuck, she is so sneaky and calculating, always thinking she knows everything. I'm getting sick of her. How about you?"

I don't know how I became a hostage, but I struggle against the cage in which I am held, and watch in horror as an enemy takes over your body and mind.


Your son knows when he looks at my haggard face and asks me what is wrong. He knows, by the way I shift away my gaze and shake my head slightly, unable to bring the words to life and say them out loud. I know he knows when sadness blankets his face, his shoulders slump in defeat. He knows we are going to war and already feels like we lost.

*eye roll* "This bitch will not shut the hell up. Don't let her bring up your son, trying to use him as leverage against me being your friend again. Do you think she has the guts to go through with taking him away? Hahaha, don't even worry about it; you have her wrapped around your finger. She will not jeopardize anything she has with you right now. Do you even want to be in this relationship? What a downer. Not our kind of downer hahaha, but a debbie downer if you ask me. If you were alone, you could do whatever you wanted, and nobody would know. Think about it. We could get a place together. I promise not to take up all your time and money again. We are friends, remember. What are friends for?"

It doesn't matter

My kids love you, admire you, look up to you.

It doesn't matter

God is blessing you with 2 little miracles, twins! They are growing in my body, preparing to meet their daddy.

How can none of this matter to you?


This snake covers your eyes, blinds your mind from remembering our good times, blurs your memories into distant clips of fuzzy thoughts and feelings. The tip of a memory might reach your consciousness, before being swept aside with a viscous claw and slashed through your brain. The grotesque green fingernail stirs up your memories and collides with your thoughts so that you don't care to think too deeply about them.

The snake wraps a little tighter. It freezes your emotions. You feel warm and calm in the embrace.

"You needed me," it says. "If she only knew the pressure you were under, thankfully, I found you again." It slithers its disgraceful tongue all across your face. "And twins! Everyone was right, you know. You can't handle that! Besides, people expect this from you, right. They all know we would meet again. It's OK though, I know exactly what will make you feel better."

It doesn't matter

I love you more than I have ever loved anyone before.

It doesn't matter

That fate brought us together at precisely the right time.

It doesn't matter

With my whole essence, I believed this would never happen.

It doesn't matter

I felt I was enough, our life was enough for you to stay clean

It doesn't matter

You forget how special we are together

It doesn't matter

You treat me like a product of your old life, where you lie to me and disrespect me.

It doesn't matter


Because I can't save you.


You can't feel the chains clanking on your wrists or feel the fog getting heavier. You catch glimpses of light throughout the darkness as the battle rages on. Your angel is slashing off more demons, but they flock to you and try to anchor your bonds.

Depression sneaks through. Rage follows Shame with Unworthiness. Chaos cackles. Addiction laughs:

"Stir his thoughts up well, will you?" Liar peeks out from under Addiction's wing. "I need a better spot; I need to be upfront."

Space is made for Liar, bringing him front and center for him to up his game with an outstanding performance:


"Love," it scoffs. What is love? Is love screaming at you? She never leaves it alone; she is always on your back. That's not loving. She pretends to love you so much and "understands you"."Well, why can't she leave us alone while we have our fun? I am so happy you found me again.

Addiction purrs at you. Caressing you. Satisfying you.

"I'm glad you are here. You got this; we are just visiting. No harm in having a little fun. Life is so grim. You work hard, you put up with a lot. She can't even keep the house clean. Did you see that? Does she even know what tired is? Her excuse is being pregnant and having 3 other kids.
Well, is it going to get easier? No, it's going to get worse, and yet she insists she has to keep those 2 things growing in her. Ugh, try doing your job. And this soulmate shit. Come on, who believes in that anyway? It's how she can make you feel bad, control you. Whatever, she is just a liar, you know. Fake.

How did this happen? How did this change so much? Did you forget how we didn't believe love like ours existed until we met each other? Did you forget how we added so much value to each other's lives, and how amazing it felt to be around each other? How could you forget that just a short time ago, we could barely stand to be away for an afternoon, and now we can hardly be around each other for ten minutes?


Our time together has been the best of my life, and now it feels like one of the worst. I can't watch you morph into this monster! It's killing me to watch you kill yourself.








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