A Demon Named Addiction - Part Two
Updated: Jun 23, 2022
.....Continued from A Demon Named Addiction Part 1
https://www.laceyjustine.com/post/a-demon-named-addiction
You asked me to support you. You didn't want support. Do you want me to ignore this? How do I pretend like I don't know what you did before you walked in that door? You don't want my help. You want to get high and still have a place to call home.
If you only realized what you were doing to me, to us. You can't imagine the torture I feel. I feel like you're forcing me to watch a horror movie with the person I love the most in this world morphing into the bad guy. I'm strapped down and powerless.
It doesn't matter
How unfair it is, how much damage and long-term trauma this is causing us. You are losing us:
"Blah blah blah. You can have your cake and eat it too, you know. If you just do a little bit, she won't know. I will show you, watch this. If she tries to confront you and be a know-it-all with her stupid "intuition shit," remember that lying is always the right choice. Do you want to deal with the hassle of her threatening you, trying to force you to leave this house you pay for? Are you kidding me? If you don't admit it, she will never honestly know for sure. Make her feel crazy, and then we can still be friends. Don't worry, she won't go anywhere. She doesn't have a job, she has to live off you, so you have all the power."
It doesn't matter
If I still believe in you,
It doesn't matter
That I am here, cheering you on, going to support meetings, finding a counselor for you.
It doesn't matter
I will hold your hand every step of the way
It doesn't matter
That I am a safe place to find comfort when it's hard
It doesn't matter
You don't have to do this alone
It doesn't matter
If I shower you with love and affection. You won't hear me. Why can't you see the truth anymore? What is blinding you? Why are you lost in some unreal dimension? You live beside me every day. But the truth is sucked out of your perception. You are paranoid, confused and angry:
"Doesn't she know how annoying it is to constantly be told you can do it; you can get rid of us? Doesn't she know how well we get along? She is so dumb; tell her that. Useless. Don't worry. We are only here if you want us to be. We will go when you want us to go."
The demons all snicker, sneering at each other. Each of them tightens its grip around you.
It doesn't matter
If I pour my love all over you.
It doesn't matter
When I yell and scream at you.
It doesn't matter
if I cry.
It doesn't matter
If I get on my knees begging you to stop
It doesn't matter
None of it matters
I am either obligated to accept it or lose everything I love.
It doesn't matter
You put me in an impossible situation where either way, I lose.
It doesn't matter
Does it?
Because the darkness is trying to own you. You pay with a piece of your soul. God can help you get those pieces back. God is bigger than the demon you invited back into your life. God is bigger than the vilest little scum, digging a moat and a fortress full of other hateful devils.
Panic ensures over the group of monsters:
"Cover his ears, dumbass!"
Looking over their shoulders, they quake as a sword of light slashes through the shadows, shrieking in your face, distracting you.
"What do you need God for? We are way more fun; we always have your back. Where was God anyway when we came to visit? All it took was addiction disguised as a harmless girl to lure you away from the light. The light is so boring anyway. Always having to do the right thing. Always have a clear mind. So much nicer, isn't it, to sink into the pillow of nothing?"
It doesn't even matter.
If I am right or wrong, I will still suffer. I will be the brunt of your anger and irritation.
It doesn't matter
These stupid fucking drugs drain the dopamine and serotonin from your brain. Eventually, it will be impossible to feel good unless you use.
It doesn't matter
These drugs are wrecking your body and mind. You choose it anyway
It doesn't matter
That your few hours of high will cost you days, weeks, months of depression and anxiety.
It doesn't matter
to you at all that we deal with the mood swings, the suffering, the frustration and anger
At the end of the day does anything even matter anymore?
You can sink into your oblivion that seems so much better than life with us.
"Don't worry, if that bitch leaves you, we got your back. We will have your back, always have your back."
Addiction blows its pungent breath right into your mouth. A hazy vaporized cloud disguised in a sweet ribbon of white. Depression claws into your head with its little friend Suicide, who is sitting on its back, leaching the other imp's leverage as a vent for some intrusive thoughts. Liar stands taller, its cold wings holding you up.
"Laugh at her. Ultimatums don't work with you. Just wait for it, wait for it. She will try telling you she 'loves you again. Aren't you sick of hearing that yet? What is love anyway? She says she will leave if you are friends with us. That's pretty controlling. Is that love? I think we love you more."
Liar's eyes gleam through the mist of shadows. The other demons laugh. Addiction nods approvingly at Liar.
I want to spend the rest of my life with you
I can see the tumor on your back, tormenting you, growing each day. I'm praying my heart out for you.
The angels are on standby.
God promises if you ask for His help, He is there. But it has to be your choice. The cancer hasn't devoured you. I can still see the real you underneath, the man I love is in there. Please see the lies you are being told. Feel the chains on you. There is a key; you have it, It's up to you to use it.
This story doesn't even matter.
You will either read it. Or you won't. You will either hear me. Or you won't. You will either change, Or you won't.
All I can do is keep praying. The light will shine through the darkness. You will know who truly loves you. Who truly has your back.
Your demons don't.
They want me to shut up. They try to turn you against me. Against our family. They offer you a moment of pleasure so profound, it's easy to sink in and let go. But you know that pleasure is a mask to paint on. Soon you are either digging your grave. Or climbing out.
These demons crowd out your true thoughts and feelings. Your soul is still in there.
Who you are is not dead
The room lights up when you walk in. Your laugh makes me feel happy. Your passion excites me. Your strength draws me to you. You bring out the best in me. You make me smile like I never have before. Your eyes connect to my soul. Your kindness is real. You are gentle and friendly. There is an adventure in your energy. Excitement over the small pleasures in life. You are a breath of fresh air in a world full of stagnant heaviness. You are charming and brave. One of the bravest people I have ever met. Nobody gives you enough credit for what you have gone through.
Nobody acknowledged what you did
But I do. You might have slid down the mountain, but you did it before. You can climb it again. You inspire me, and I admire you and look up to you. I wish I had half the strength you have. Everyone gets knocked down. Only people like you can get back up again.
There is an army behind you, waiting for you to say the word. So the tumor will be chopped off and kicked back to hell where those demons belong. You just have to find yourself in there.
Choose.
You have to see past the lies. Feel my love, the light, and goodness.
You are mistaking the demon's dust masquerading as your friend. Look through the shadows. See pasts the ghosts. That silver light you see - That sparkling pearl shimmering the pureness of ivory....Cutting through the ebony curtain...
That's us.
That's God
That's love
That's your son
Your bonus kids
The twins
That's me.
We are waiting, hoping, praying.
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If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction - I am sorry. I am so sorry you have to experience this dark road. Please reach out. There is help, there are people who care. I care.