• Lacey Psybyla

Dear Eddi - an open letter to say good-bye

Updated: Jun 23


 

♥̩̥̩♥̩̩̥͙♥̩͙ˊˎ.·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙ ✩ *̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ *:・゚☆✧༺♥༻∞*:・゚✧*:・゚✧˚ ‧͙♡¸.•*' **•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚⑅ ・:*:・゚☆✧༺♥༻∞*

🅶🆁🅰🆃🅸🆃🆄🅳🅴 - 🆃🅷🅴 🆀🆄🅰🅻🅸🆃🆈 🅾🅵 🅱🅴🅸🅽🅶 🆃🅷🅰🅽🅺🅵🆄🅻; 🆁🅴🅰🅳🅸🅽🅴🆂🆂 🆃🅾 🆂🅷🅾🆆 🅰🅿🅿🆁🅴🅲🅸🅰🆃🅸🅾🅽 🅵🅾🆁 🅰🅽🅳 🆁🅴🆃🆄🆁🅽 🅺🅸🅽🅳🅽🅴🆂🆂.‧͙⁺˚*・༓☾。・:*:・゚★,。・:*:・゚☆✧༺♥༻∞*:・゚✧*:・゚✧˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚*·̩̩̥͙⋆ˊˎ-•̩̩͙- *̩̩̥͙**•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚·̩̩̥͙


An open letter to say goodbye:


Dear Eddi,


When I first heard you died, Eddi, I was angry. Man, I was so mad and then so sad, and the tragedy, the utter devastation of what you went through and where you ended up, was a pain that surged through my spirit. After all the suffering, all that burning, and rebuilding....for what? For your life to flicker and dim without anyone noticing until it was too late.


And now you're gone.


How ironic is it that the last post you made was just days before your own death, when you found out that someone you loved had died? The list of people you have had to grieve, and the true sadness I know you felt whenever you found out a life was gone too soon, is where you left us today.


I met you just over a year ago, and you were my boyfriend's friend. Honestly, I largely ignored you at first, avoided any chit chat on purpose because I didn't have time for new friends, nor did I want any. That didn't bother you though, as you remained cheerful and friendly every time you popped your head through the door.


It seemed every time you came to my house, I was doing the same thing, and it happened so many times in a row that it became a funny story for us. Your hilarious perception painted so eloquently with your poetic storytelling, created a picture of amusing absurdity in my mind that I will never forget.


*:・゚✧*:・゚✧˚ ༘♡ ⋆。˚*ੈ✩‧₊˚✧.*ੈ✩‧₊˚༊*·˚⋆·˚ ༘ *ೃ⁀➷*:・゚✧*:・゚✧ Wonder Woman toting 2 babies on each hip using her superpowers to cook, clean and manage a circus of little monkeys; flipping pancakes and catching them like a magician, while juggling, and swinging a hoolahoop round and round while riding a unicycle. *:・゚✧*:・゚✧˚ ༘♡ ⋆。˚*ੈ✩‧₊˚✧.*ੈ✩‧₊˚༊*·˚⋆·˚ ༘ *:・゚✧*:・゚

In reality, I was an overwhelmed, disheveled mom on a hampster wheel of cooking and cleaning, and you walked into groundhog day to experience the monotonous chaos that was my life.


But the end of the story is what I loved the most. The part I know was not a lavish exaggeration.


You said,

↳ ** ༉‧₊˚✧˚ ◌༘♡ ⋆。˚ ꕥ⍣ ೋ˚ ༘♡ ⋆。˚˚✧˚ ◌༘♡ ⋆。˚ ꕥ。˚ೃ⁀➷
"I knew from the second I met you that you were an amazing mom" ↳ ** ༉‧₊˚✧˚ ◌༘♡ ⋆。˚ ꕥ⍣ ೋ˚ ༘♡ ⋆。˚ೃ⁀➷↳ ** ༉‧₊˚✧˚ ◌༘♡ ⋆。˚ ꕥ⍣ ೋ˚ ༘♡ ⋆。˚ೃ⁀➷↳ ** ༉‧₊˚✧˚ ◌༘♡ ⋆。˚ ꕥ⍣ ೋ˚

That meant a lot to me, more than you or even I could have imagined at the time.


Your laid-back attitude and our long talks about life and family eventually built the foundation of our friendship. I was amazed by your insight, because you knew me without knowing me, if that makes sense.


I am so often misjudged and misunderstood, but within minutes, you sensed things about me that I spend years trying to show others without success. You knew me, not what people see, not what people think, and not even what I always show or share with the world, especially off the bat.


I appreciated that. You respected my family, my kids, and my house, and I thought that was cool, considering bro code and all.


Most of our long talks or quick fist bumps and high fives were mini cheer sessions about family: yours, mine, the good old days, the days when we were younger, the days when we didn't have so many problems.


You were so proud of your kids, and truly, it was them and the love you had for them, even when you were too sick to share your everyday life with them, that motivated you to keep moving forward on your darkest days.

When I saw you at the end of the summer, I felt very depressed as we parted ways. I knew you weren't doing well. I'd never seen you like that before, and I had this terrible feeling something awful was about to happen. You did, too. Your connection to a different frequency made you so in tune with separate vibrations that others do not pick up on.


⤧☠⤧☠⤧☠ I was shocked when I heard that a hothead with an ax almost took your life and left you paralyzed. ⤧☠⤧☠⤧☠


I just couldn't imagine the loss you went through, the personal grief, despair, and fear. I couldn't imagine what it felt like, having to live in a world you already don't fit into, and to be even more different. I felt bad thinking about all the people who would fall from your life, because when something serious happens, many people run. When life gets real, there aren't many real people who want to be part of that.


For months, I tried to find out where you were and if you were OK. I didn't want to bother your family, but I was starting to get desperate. I sent you messages, not knowing if you even had a phone to see them, since none of them were ever read.


And then one day I got a message from you,

"Call me".

Ironically, the hospital you had been recovering in wasn't far from me. We got to see each other, and began visiting regularity. The best days ever were when you could wiggle your toes and then feel your legs, and then when you stood up and took a few steps without any assistance.


╭┈─ ◌ೄ◌ྀ ˊˎ⋆·˚ ༘ *ˏˋ°•*⁀➷


You were going to walk again.


⇖╭┈─ ◌ೄ◌ྀ ˊˎ👊⋆·˚ ༘ *


Everyday you got stronger. I don't know if anyone realizes how much effort and determination you put into walking again. The endless hours of rehab, of concentration, of mentally forcing yourself up to do things we take for granted.


You refused to be discharged from that hospital, needing someone to take care of you. It's amazing, mind blowing actually, the progress you made since that first day I saw you.


I remember you didn't answer back my texts for hours, and later I found out it was because you dropped your phone and couldn't pick it up. You went from essentially being in diapers and needing hoists to get you into your wheelchair, to being largely independent.


We got to sneak you out of there and went to my house. It's funny now, thinking about how thrilled we were when you made it from the car to the elevator with your walker. Even my dog was excited for you as she did zoomies around us in the hallway.


You told me that night how you were the clearest you had been in years, and how ready you were for a different life.


I know psychologically you had many demons picking at your mind, at what happened to you in life. But even though you had some feelings about everything, you were grateful and full of gratitude to be alive and standing on your own two feet, on my deck, looking over the city lights.


We talked so late into the night that by the time we got back to the hospital, you were locked out and had to explain to security how we lost time catching up.


Everyday after that, you got stronger and stronger. The hospital finally gave you a release date, and I helped you figure out where you were going to live, what supports you would need, and what we were going to do to help you have a new life.


Two days before, I was doing your taxes. We were chit chatting about life, as usual. I was a good listener to your extraordinary stories that nobody has like you. Both of us rambled off long novels for messages on our favorite philosophical, thought-provoking and often emotional topics. We laughed about how much people hate when we do that.


But we appreciated it from each other, that communication and easy banter. You said,

"At least people will always know how I feel. "

So I am confident I know how you felt Eddi, and I know you felt like you were given a second chance in life, and you felt stronger than ever before. The first day I saw you in the hospital, and without the use of your legs, you looked healthier and better than I have ever seen you. I knew your strength was going to scoop up those ashes from the metaphorical burning you just endured, and become a Phoenix like no other.


Your gift of gab, your big heart, and your animated life made you the best storyteller, even if you went on and on. I liked to hear what you had to say, and felt like you needed to say things dramatically. Always meant to entertain. Your charisma either drew people to you or turned them away from you. You had many wonderful and genuine characteristics, and personality traits that were unique and captivating.


The tragedy of hearing about your death punched me in the gut. At first I stood there shaking my head, almost yelling, "no, no no, I don't believe it, no there is no way!! "


Then I felt those ferocious cries of grief frothing in my throat and felt my knees giving out. The first thing to grow weak and let me down was the very thing that was building you up to be strong again. My legs didn't want to hold me, and I had to sit down, get up and pace, then collapse again with utter disbelief.


It's tragic on too many levels, and I wanted to scream and cry, punch and kick and shriek at the ravaging space left in this world without you.


I have told you how proud I was of you, and it is still true. I made you a card when I got to see you for the first time. I told you, "Eddi, you are strong, you are resilient, and even though we don't understand why life dealt you this heavy card, you were meant to be here. Your story was meant to touch someone and maybe save someone someday." I might have been dreaming lofty ideas, but I pictured you as a motivational speaker, a true Phoenix rising from the ashes, a bigger bad ass than ever before.


I can't believe I won't see you again. I can't believe you didn't get to live outside of those hospital walls, free and running like we talked about you doing.


⋇⋆✦⋆⋇⭒❃.✮:▹☆.。.:* I genuinely feel a deep, profound loss, because this world needs more people like you. ⋇⋆✦⋆⋇⭒❃.✮:▹☆.。.:*


I am so sorry, I am so damn sorry that this life carried so much pain in it for you. I am sorry for your family, and most of all for your kids. You said you wished they knew the real you, the you that wasn't sick. You said you wished you could erase the confusion and misunderstandings, and the pain they felt in losing a dad who was there for them everyday.


I'm sorry the suffering was so extraordinary. You never experienced the peace and joy you were working towards, because you never made it to the other side of this mountain put in your path.


I know that the darkness of the world sometimes does this, and I hate it and do not want to accept it. But I can celebrate the moments we had together;

♥❥╭┈◦•◦❥•◦⋆·˚ ༘ *★❣✨where you inspired me and helped me grow and think.


。・:*:・゚★,。・:*:・゚☆.。*゚+.*.。♥❥❣。・:*:・゚★,。・:*:・゚☆.。*゚+.*.。♥❥❣Your insightfulness, wittiness, and special light aren't gone. It's here, in this world, and it will live through other people who make choices or think about things because of your light 。・:*:・゚★,。・:*:・゚☆.。*゚+.*.。♥❥❣。・:*:・゚★,。・:*:・゚☆.。*゚+.*.。

That is the ultimate pay it forward when we leave this world young or old, with our light spreading to others and being shared and multiplied.


'*•.¸♡ ♡¸.•*'·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙✩*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙.·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙ ✩ *̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ .'*•.¸♡ ♡¸.•*' .・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.⑅ ♥̩̥̩♥̩̩̥͙♥̩͙


That is how you live on, that is how we make sense of everything, and that is your legacy, the point of your life and what you left for us in this world.


'*•.¸♡ ♡¸.•*'·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙ ✩ *̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙.·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙ ✩ *̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ .'*•.¸♡ ♡¸.•*''*•.¸♡ ♡¸.•*'·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙✩*̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙.·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙✭・.・✫・゜・。


I can truly say that your friendship, your genuine love of life even when it sucked, and your admirable strength to rise from the ashes touched my heart. I will carry that with me until we meet again.


.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.⑅ ♥̩̥̩♥̩̩̥͙♥̩͙ˊˎ.·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙ ✩ *̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ .✧༺♥༻∞ 。・。.・゜.·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙ ・。.・゜


Someone tried to take what you had, they tried to destroy that, but I am so happy the wrong person didn't get to sabotage your light. Now it’s freely out there, spreading like wildfire among the right people who love you. The mass amount of messages people have left you is just a testament to how cool and special you were, you are, and you always will be.


✭・.・✫・゜・。.⑅ ♥̩̥̩♥̩̩̥͙♥̩͙ˊˎ.·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙ ✩ *̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ .✧༺♥༻∞✭・.・.⑅ ♥̩̥̩♥̩̩̥͙♥̩͙ˊˎ.·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙ ✩ *̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩͙‧͙ .✧༺♥༻∞✫・゜・。・。.・゜.·͙*̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥*̩̩̥͙ ・。.・゜




Rest easy, friend. Thank you for being one of the most rad, badasses

with a heart truly in tune with a special frequency.







ೄྀ࿐ ˊˎ-˚ ༘♡ ⋆。˚·˚ ༘₊· ͟͟͞͞꒰➳⍣ ೋˏˋ°•*⁀➷†˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥✞♡.﹀﹀.♡˚ ༘♡ ⋆。˚*ੈ✩‧₊˚✧.*✧.*༊*·˚ ➳⍣ ೋˏˋ°•*⁀➷†˚₊ ♡.﹀﹀.♡˚ ༘♡ ⋆。˚*ੈ✩‧₊˚✧➳⍣ ೋˏˋ°•*⁀➷†˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥✞♡✞♡.﹀﹀.

Xoxo Lacey ೄྀ

➳❥✞♡.﹀﹀.♡˚ ༘♡ ⋆。˚*ੈ✩‧₊˚✧.*✧.*༊*·˚ೄྀ࿐ ˊˎ⍣ ೋೄྀ࿐ ˊˎ-˚ ༘♡ ⋆。˚·˚ ༘₊· ͟͟͞͞꒰➳⍣ ೋˏˋ°•*⁀➷†˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳❥✞♡.﹀﹀.♡˚ ༘♡ ⋆。˚*ੈ✩‧₊˚✧.*✧.*༊*·˚ˏˋ°•*⁀➷†˚₊· ͟͟͞͞ ༘♡ ⋆ ༘♡ ⋆ ༘♡ ⋆



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